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Aug. 28th, 2017 10:45 pmI'm so tired.
Part of that is just everyday background noise - I'm almost always a little bit tired, even on good days, which is frustrating as fuck when I'm doing everything in my power not to be - plus my period started today and it was a crazy busy weekend, on top of all that.
But I'm TIRED, like almost fell asleep partway through a treatment tired. And of course tired comes with unmotivated, which introduces depression. I have two calls for submissions I want to write things for; I wrote the opening scene for both... a month ago, and have gotten nowhere with either of them.
And I'm kind of at a loss for what to do about it, anymore. I sleep about eight hours a night (maybe slightly closer to 7.5). I mostly go to sleep and get up at the same time. I tried eating more healthily and that became its own energy sink. Same with exercise. Keeping up with either or both of them has generally ended in a week of eating like shit because the sheer effort required to plan, shop for, and execute a meal was beyond my capabilities anymore. Exercise never seems to give me this mythical energy that it's supposed to. I just feel more tired. At best, I feel like I'm the same, but with less time. Of course, I'm not doing much of anything with that time, anyway.
I don't know. I feel like other people have somehow mastered "get up -> get ready -> eat breakfast -> work -> eat lunch -> work -> errands -> eat dinner -> do life stuff -> sleep" in a way that I just... haven't. I feel like I'm losing time at every turn and I don't know why. Can I not focus? Am I just lazy? Why am I so fucking tired all the goddamn time? How have other people mastered this, not just for themselves, but for entire goddamn families? Am I this much of a fuckup? It's depressing as fuck, that's for sure.
I just want to sleep and feel rested and motivated. That's all.
Part of that is just everyday background noise - I'm almost always a little bit tired, even on good days, which is frustrating as fuck when I'm doing everything in my power not to be - plus my period started today and it was a crazy busy weekend, on top of all that.
But I'm TIRED, like almost fell asleep partway through a treatment tired. And of course tired comes with unmotivated, which introduces depression. I have two calls for submissions I want to write things for; I wrote the opening scene for both... a month ago, and have gotten nowhere with either of them.
And I'm kind of at a loss for what to do about it, anymore. I sleep about eight hours a night (maybe slightly closer to 7.5). I mostly go to sleep and get up at the same time. I tried eating more healthily and that became its own energy sink. Same with exercise. Keeping up with either or both of them has generally ended in a week of eating like shit because the sheer effort required to plan, shop for, and execute a meal was beyond my capabilities anymore. Exercise never seems to give me this mythical energy that it's supposed to. I just feel more tired. At best, I feel like I'm the same, but with less time. Of course, I'm not doing much of anything with that time, anyway.
I don't know. I feel like other people have somehow mastered "get up -> get ready -> eat breakfast -> work -> eat lunch -> work -> errands -> eat dinner -> do life stuff -> sleep" in a way that I just... haven't. I feel like I'm losing time at every turn and I don't know why. Can I not focus? Am I just lazy? Why am I so fucking tired all the goddamn time? How have other people mastered this, not just for themselves, but for entire goddamn families? Am I this much of a fuckup? It's depressing as fuck, that's for sure.
I just want to sleep and feel rested and motivated. That's all.
"There are those who believe that knowledge can only be recalled, that there was some Golden Age in the distant past when everything was known and the stones fitted together so you could hardly put a knife between them, you know, and it's obvious they had flying machines, right, because of the way the earthworks can only be seen from above, yeah? and there's this museum I read about where they found a pocket calculator under the altar of this ancient temple, you know what I'm saying? but the government hushed it up...*
* It's amazing how good governments are, given their track record in almost every other field, at hushing things up like alien encounters."
-Terry Pratchett
I didn't attribute this in my original post, but I'm going to hazard a guess given the subject material that it's Pyramids.
And I would be utterly wrong, because it's actually Hogfather I literally just read that four months ago BRAIN WHY HAVE YOU FAILED ME
* It's amazing how good governments are, given their track record in almost every other field, at hushing things up like alien encounters."
-Terry Pratchett
I didn't attribute this in my original post, but I'm going to hazard a guess given the subject material that it's Pyramids.
And I would be utterly wrong, because it's actually Hogfather I literally just read that four months ago BRAIN WHY HAVE YOU FAILED ME
NaNoWriMo Day 2
Nov. 2nd, 2016 09:03 amPlans for today:
-Get new mouthguard
-Drop off cheque to work/pick up cheque
-Lunch
-Mobile visit at 2
So I'll probably be home at 3.
Cycle for today then, starting at 3:
-30 min. cleaning
-30 min. writing
-30 min. rest
I can probably do two cycles and then hit my parents up for dinner/watch Bachelorette with my sister. Then come home and fill in some word count.
Yosh!
Update, 8:00pm: Yeah, my sister came over here instead, so what wound up happening was Bachelorette -> eat terrible food -> hate myself forever -> nothing of value has gotten done today other than getting my horrendously expensive mouthguard.
*sigh*
Okay, Alex. Let's take half an hour and do SOME cleaning, and then a LITTLE NaNo, and then you can call it a day, okay?
NaNoWriMo Day 1/General Life Intentions
Nov. 1st, 2016 10:05 amPlan for today:
-Do morning prep (shower, breakfast)
-Meditate
Starting at 11am:
-30 min. paperwork
-15 min. NaNo
-30 min. cleaning
-15 min. break
After 1 cycle, eat lunch
-Continue cycle at 1pm, removing things as goals are reached + add that time to remaining in other categories
-Dinner at 6:30
-Client at 8
Let's see if I can keep to that plan...
Update, 2:30pm: Have done two cycles, no lunch yet (off to do that now). Made the mistake of starting A Slip of the Keyboard during most recent break so am weepy mess now. So, probably a good time to take a break, anyway.
Update, 11:59pm Actually managed to keep to that schedule, more or less. Finished paperwork, solid start on cleaning, not perfect NaNo count for day 1 but better than I thought.
And, for old time's sake:
I don't even know any more.
Sep. 30th, 2016 01:20 amSo therapy ended... two months ago? And I was feeling pretty hopeful. Like, things weren't perfect, but I was way better than I had been. My scores on various measures had come into normal ranges. I felt like probably I could handle things on my own.
Two months later, boy, do I ever feel like a moron.
Two months before the end of therapy, and I'mma have two major meltdowns in one month. A+ terrific would do again.
I don't even know where to talk about shit like this any more. It's definitely not FB material. No one replies to things on Tumblr. I don't really use chat clients much. I guess texting, but anyone I would text about it I don't want to burden with my shit. LJ is basically screaming into the void and hoping someone picks up the signal.
I don't even know where to talk about shit like this any more. It's definitely not FB material. No one replies to things on Tumblr. I don't really use chat clients much. I guess texting, but anyone I would text about it I don't want to burden with my shit. LJ is basically screaming into the void and hoping someone picks up the signal.
...yeah.
Pretty much what it says on the tin.
stars are never sleeping
dead ones and the living
their jealousy's spilling down
the stars must stick together
we will never be rid of these stars
but I hope they live forever
Pretty much what it says on the tin.
stars are never sleeping
dead ones and the living
their jealousy's spilling down
the stars must stick together
we will never be rid of these stars
but I hope they live forever
The MeFi Emotional Labour Thread
Jan. 12th, 2016 01:04 am"You know how men talk about PMS as this miserable, barely survivable time when you have to watch what you say, be careful not to make too much noise, swallow your real thoughts, make constant concessions to avoid conflict, and accept sudden outbursts of anger as commonplace? (aka things I unconsciously do around many men I know and love)
The masculine dread of PMS is basically “there are five days a month when the burden of emotional labor is reversed, and that brief (and incomplete) inversion is my personal eldritch horror, such that men discuss it with other men in hushed tones.”
-a fiendish thingy" on "Where's My Cut?" On Unpaid Emotional Labor (way the fuck down)
*just... marvels at that one for a minute*
The masculine dread of PMS is basically “there are five days a month when the burden of emotional labor is reversed, and that brief (and incomplete) inversion is my personal eldritch horror, such that men discuss it with other men in hushed tones.”
-a fiendish thingy" on "Where's My Cut?" On Unpaid Emotional Labor (way the fuck down)
*just... marvels at that one for a minute*
Ha, so, the post I made before my new-year post was actually a post of goal-ish type things, so let's look back and see how I did:
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jan. 1st, 2016 11:23 pmSo while I know most of you read my FB at this point, I'm going to put this here, also (think of it as extra, extra insurance on doing them:)
So elsewhere I wrote what my goals for this year are, and I figured, well, let's post them to FB as well.
1. Be gentler with myself overall. (I have a tendency to be a bit of a perfectionist, and not in a good way [is there a good way?]. So this one is the most important one.)
2. Write at least three sentences a day.
3. Read at least one book a month.
4. Meditate at least five minutes every morning.
5. Find something fun that feels more like 'play' than 'exercise'.
No, they aren't lofty aspirations (and I know a bunch of people are going *one book a month???* and dying a little on the inside), but... if I do better than this then that's good. If I do only this, I can be satisfied. And if I don't manage all of these, then that's okay too. Trying to make that my mindset for 2016.
2015 was an... interesting year. I did a number of things, even though it felt for much of it like I was wading through the molasses of my low energy and a fuckton of self-loathing. (See also Item #1.) Therapy has been going... well? I think? Like at least I'm able to identify the fact that I have a lot of self-loathing, haha? >.> (And also nervous laughter when I'm actually upset about something/self-conscious? ;))
I dunno. It's really hard to tell as it goes if progress is being made, but I think things are going well. So I'm going to trust that it is, in fact, doing what it says on the tin, even if at this point I think I've been going about three times as long as what it's "supposed" to run. (CBT and IPT, the two therapies my therapist is using, are both intended to be fairly short-term, and we're now at 16 months, rather than weeks.) I dunno if that's just me, or what. (I do know I have been fairly resistant to the idea of being okay with small victories.)
But, let's see how 2016 plays out. (Yosh'!)
So elsewhere I wrote what my goals for this year are, and I figured, well, let's post them to FB as well.
1. Be gentler with myself overall. (I have a tendency to be a bit of a perfectionist, and not in a good way [is there a good way?]. So this one is the most important one.)
2. Write at least three sentences a day.
3. Read at least one book a month.
4. Meditate at least five minutes every morning.
5. Find something fun that feels more like 'play' than 'exercise'.
No, they aren't lofty aspirations (and I know a bunch of people are going *one book a month???* and dying a little on the inside), but... if I do better than this then that's good. If I do only this, I can be satisfied. And if I don't manage all of these, then that's okay too. Trying to make that my mindset for 2016.
2015 was an... interesting year. I did a number of things, even though it felt for much of it like I was wading through the molasses of my low energy and a fuckton of self-loathing. (See also Item #1.) Therapy has been going... well? I think? Like at least I'm able to identify the fact that I have a lot of self-loathing, haha? >.> (And also nervous laughter when I'm actually upset about something/self-conscious? ;))
I dunno. It's really hard to tell as it goes if progress is being made, but I think things are going well. So I'm going to trust that it is, in fact, doing what it says on the tin, even if at this point I think I've been going about three times as long as what it's "supposed" to run. (CBT and IPT, the two therapies my therapist is using, are both intended to be fairly short-term, and we're now at 16 months, rather than weeks.) I dunno if that's just me, or what. (I do know I have been fairly resistant to the idea of being okay with small victories.)
But, let's see how 2016 plays out. (Yosh'!)
Tags:
So one of the things I've been doing lately is 8760 Hours. It's basically a REALLY INTENSIVE version of your New Year's resolutions, but taking like... a day or two (or several weeks, if you're me and don't always actually go work on it when you say you're going to) to sort out. In the end, you have about 14-20 things that you' like to accomplish during the year, of which you pick 3-5 to really focus on (with expansion potential if you achieve the first set).
So my goals for the year (which I'm really counting as the current half-year, so I'll re-do this in December) are as follows:
( Under a cut for those who don't care )
So that's the five that I thought were most important to me. Other stuff on the list includes reducing meat consumption (those of you also on FB saw the results of that; I'm going to try but I'm not putting a concerted effort into it yet, the eating out thing is more important), improve earnings (I want to get to a regular $3600/mo pre-HST and income tax deductions, or about $2700 actual "my" money), write 500 words/day, see friends more frequently, have potlucks more frequently (see previous point), volunteer, get myself more organized/less prone to getting out of bed at the crack of noon, and meditate 20min/day.
So my goals for the year (which I'm really counting as the current half-year, so I'll re-do this in December) are as follows:
( Under a cut for those who don't care )
So that's the five that I thought were most important to me. Other stuff on the list includes reducing meat consumption (those of you also on FB saw the results of that; I'm going to try but I'm not putting a concerted effort into it yet, the eating out thing is more important), improve earnings (I want to get to a regular $3600/mo pre-HST and income tax deductions, or about $2700 actual "my" money), write 500 words/day, see friends more frequently, have potlucks more frequently (see previous point), volunteer, get myself more organized/less prone to getting out of bed at the crack of noon, and meditate 20min/day.
I'm just... tired.
Who still reads here, anyway?![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
roseneko, I know you're still around. A couple of others. Ferrett and Zoethe I don't think follow me, so that's no good unless I'm commenting on their stuff.
I want internets socialization that isn't fucking Facebook.
Maybe I'll just start posting about therapy...
Who still reads here, anyway?
roseneko, I know you're still around. A couple of others. Ferrett and Zoethe I don't think follow me, so that's no good unless I'm commenting on their stuff.I want internets socialization that isn't fucking Facebook.
Maybe I'll just start posting about therapy...
Post For Great Theraputic Intent
Oct. 16th, 2014 12:08 pmSo as you may know, Bob (...actually, the only person that still reads LJ that knows this is Simon, I think), I am in therapy!
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
So far it's been... interesting? The therapist has suggested a combination of CBT (not the pervy kind) and IPT for me, which everyone has agreed seems like a pretty logical combo for me.
Anyway, one of the things we have been talking about lately has been my overactive perfectionist streak and the fact that it means that I basically don't do anything. (No blogging, no writing, no art, etc.) So this is my therapy-assignment blog, to actually write a thing.
Note: my therapy appointment is in an hour. (And usually is on Wednesdays instead of Thursdays.) So... I may have left this a little long.
The weird thing is that blogging itself isn't exactly hard for me. (Or, at least, I don't have the deeply visceral reaction here that I do with fiction writing.) I just sort of stopped doing it, because I didn't have anything interesting to say. (I still don't, really, other than reporting on therapy.) I can't really talk about my clients, and I don't do a whole heck of a lot outside of work.
Which is... one of the things I'm in therapy for, really ^^;;
But it seems like the combo of "puzzle out the origin of this thing" (or at least, the origin of the motivation-destroying version of this thing; I've always been one who wants to do things as best I can, but why is that now "you can't do it well at all, so don't even bother starting" as opposed to "do your best!"?) and "destroy this thing" will help? I hope?
Next up: not living up to expectations! The stress of looking for a job! Not doing things that normal people totally do without thinking about it!
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
So far it's been... interesting? The therapist has suggested a combination of CBT (not the pervy kind) and IPT for me, which everyone has agreed seems like a pretty logical combo for me.
Anyway, one of the things we have been talking about lately has been my overactive perfectionist streak and the fact that it means that I basically don't do anything. (No blogging, no writing, no art, etc.) So this is my therapy-assignment blog, to actually write a thing.
Note: my therapy appointment is in an hour. (And usually is on Wednesdays instead of Thursdays.) So... I may have left this a little long.
The weird thing is that blogging itself isn't exactly hard for me. (Or, at least, I don't have the deeply visceral reaction here that I do with fiction writing.) I just sort of stopped doing it, because I didn't have anything interesting to say. (I still don't, really, other than reporting on therapy.) I can't really talk about my clients, and I don't do a whole heck of a lot outside of work.
Which is... one of the things I'm in therapy for, really ^^;;
But it seems like the combo of "puzzle out the origin of this thing" (or at least, the origin of the motivation-destroying version of this thing; I've always been one who wants to do things as best I can, but why is that now "you can't do it well at all, so don't even bother starting" as opposed to "do your best!"?) and "destroy this thing" will help? I hope?
Next up: not living up to expectations! The stress of looking for a job! Not doing things that normal people totally do without thinking about it!
Five Weird Things About Me Meme
Sep. 1st, 2014 05:08 pmSince Rose did it, I'm compelled to do it myself. :P However, I'm not brave enough to put this out on FB, so you'll just have to accept it here...
1. Pretty much every relationship I've had has been an open one at some point. (I can think of a single exception.)
2. I hate cooking "simple" meals, which means cooking for one (as I often do) is something I have to drag my ass to do. Want me to make a four course meal for six? Absolutely! Want me to make pasta just for myself? BLUUUUUUGGGGGGH DO I GOTTA CAN'T I JUST GO OUT INSTEAD.
3. I have read maybe 4 books in the last four years. In 2008, I read 50. In 2009, I read 17. After that... it's honest-to-god been too much effort. I've barely been able to read two of my favorites (actually, I'm only halfway through the most recent Discworld novel, and that's been a GRIND). It's exhausting and depressing and it is, like, one of the major things I want my therapist to help me sort out.
4. Given enough time, I will do a parody of "I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General" for anything I enjoy. This will be relevant... later.
5. Despite the fact that I don't actually eat tomatoes usually, I have a fuckton of them growing in my garden.
1. Pretty much every relationship I've had has been an open one at some point. (I can think of a single exception.)
2. I hate cooking "simple" meals, which means cooking for one (as I often do) is something I have to drag my ass to do. Want me to make a four course meal for six? Absolutely! Want me to make pasta just for myself? BLUUUUUUGGGGGGH DO I GOTTA CAN'T I JUST GO OUT INSTEAD.
3. I have read maybe 4 books in the last four years. In 2008, I read 50. In 2009, I read 17. After that... it's honest-to-god been too much effort. I've barely been able to read two of my favorites (actually, I'm only halfway through the most recent Discworld novel, and that's been a GRIND). It's exhausting and depressing and it is, like, one of the major things I want my therapist to help me sort out.
4. Given enough time, I will do a parody of "I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General" for anything I enjoy. This will be relevant... later.
5. Despite the fact that I don't actually eat tomatoes usually, I have a fuckton of them growing in my garden.
91% on my Intermediate Rudiments exam.
I should probably not be quite so proud of that given that 100% of the people taking tests at the same time as me were between the ages of 6 and 17, but WHATEVER I'M COOL YOU GUYS.
I should probably not be quite so proud of that given that 100% of the people taking tests at the same time as me were between the ages of 6 and 17, but WHATEVER I'M COOL YOU GUYS.
*AGGRESSIVELY WIGGLES WITH ANTICIPATION*
Jun. 2nd, 2014 11:37 pm/is dork
(but you all knew that already)
...
*squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
(but you all knew that already)
...
*squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
(no subject)
Apr. 1st, 2014 02:08 pmSo I've been rewatching Utena.
You guys, do you know how many fucking trigger warnings that show needs nowadays?
Oh sure, on the surface it looks like a standard shoujo anime, with you know a little DV in the first episode but that's so we know Saionji's an asshole. Oh and the bullying, too. That's ep 1. Oh, parental death. That should probably be on there.
Then we get into the, like:
-incest
-depression
-statutory rape
-child rape (is that the TV series too or just the movie? I'm pretty sure both)
-your best friend turning on you like a motherfucker
-animal abuse/animal death
-fucking terrifying swords
...and I'm sure I'm missing several things.
Probably a TW is unnecessary for abuse of the English language though, right, Touga?
You guys, do you know how many fucking trigger warnings that show needs nowadays?
Oh sure, on the surface it looks like a standard shoujo anime, with you know a little DV in the first episode but that's so we know Saionji's an asshole. Oh and the bullying, too. That's ep 1. Oh, parental death. That should probably be on there.
Then we get into the, like:
-incest
-depression
-statutory rape
-child rape (is that the TV series too or just the movie? I'm pretty sure both)
-your best friend turning on you like a motherfucker
-animal abuse/animal death
-fucking terrifying swords
...and I'm sure I'm missing several things.
Probably a TW is unnecessary for abuse of the English language though, right, Touga?
