alexmegami | (no subject)

I'm so tired.

Part of that is just everyday background noise - I'm almost always a little bit tired, even on good days, which is frustrating as fuck when I'm doing everything in my power not to be - plus my period started today and it was a crazy busy weekend, on top of all that.

But I'm TIRED, like almost fell asleep partway through a treatment tired. And of course tired comes with unmotivated, which introduces depression. I have two calls for submissions I want to write things for; I wrote the opening scene for both... a month ago, and have gotten nowhere with either of them.

And I'm kind of at a loss for what to do about it, anymore. I sleep about eight hours a night (maybe slightly closer to 7.5). I mostly go to sleep and get up at the same time. I tried eating more healthily and that became its own energy sink. Same with exercise. Keeping up with either or both of them has generally ended in a week of eating like shit because the sheer effort required to plan, shop for, and execute a meal was beyond my capabilities anymore. Exercise never seems to give me this mythical energy that it's supposed to. I just feel more tired. At best, I feel like I'm the same, but with less time. Of course, I'm not doing much of anything with that time, anyway.

I don't know. I feel like other people have somehow mastered "get up -> get ready -> eat breakfast -> work -> eat lunch -> work -> errands -> eat dinner -> do life stuff -> sleep" in a way that I just... haven't. I feel like I'm losing time at every turn and I don't know why. Can I not focus? Am I just lazy? Why am I so fucking tired all the goddamn time? How have other people mastered this, not just for themselves, but for entire goddamn families? Am I this much of a fuckup? It's depressing as fuck, that's for sure.

I just want to sleep and feel rested and motivated. That's all.