Free Will Astrology

[alexmegami]

http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/virgo.html

Virgo, for the week of June 25, 2009:

There's a better than even chance that you're about to embark on a Summer of Love. To improve your odds even more, meditate on the following questions. 1. What qualities do you look for in a lover that you would benefit from developing more fully in yourself? 2. What do you think are your two biggest delusions about the way love works? 3. Is there anything you can do to make yourself more lovable? 4. Is there anything you can do to be more loving? 5. Are you willing to deal with the fact that any intimate relationship worth pursuing will inevitably evoke the most negative aspects of both partners -- and require both partners to heal their oldest wounds?

Interestingness and passion. Energy (wish I could develop that one). "Class"? Elegance, I think. Better word for it. The ability to dance. Grace. Thinky thoughts. It doesn't; I'm still not convinced that's a delusion though. People work and they do the work and they benefit from the work. See answer to question one. I feel like I'm losing love tickets. I need a machine that gives me back the ones I give, except machines don't give love tickets, people do. I'm not even sure what mine are.

I will tell you a secret. It was going to be my PostSecret, but here it is for you: I want a lover that will pull me apart, find the black gunk inside, play around with it a bit and put it back and piece me back together. I worry that my black gunk isn't. I worry that people are good at the pulling apart but not the putting back together. I know that not many people want to get covered in gunk anyway. It's a messy thing. Besides, you have to know where to find the seams.

And actually, this isn't that cryptic.

Comments

[roseneko.livejournal.com]

No, it's not that cryptic. You want someone who will not only look at and accept the parts of you that you hate the most, but will bore through your rationalizations and self-delusions and force *you* to look at and accept those parts, thus achieving catharsis without having to go through the tedious and labyrinthine and far more painful process of untangling your own emotions. But they can't be a purely sadistic sort, because you need them to be there to hold you afterward, and stroke your hair as you cry into their shoulder, and then make you come so hard and so long that you forget who and where you are.

...no, I don't have this exact same kink for emotional manipulation, not at all. Where did you get that idea? :)

[alexmegami]

Can you write my dialogue from now on? :D

[mysticjuicer.livejournal.com]

...thus achieving catharsis without having to go through the tedious and labyrinthine and far more painful process of untangling your own emotions.

Is that actually possible? I mean, the part where someone else tells you truths about yourself and gets them right when you haven't thought about it?

[alexmegami]

Perspective is sometimes easier from ten steps back. :P Or at least others can often get most of the way there where you're tangling yourself up in a spiral of maybe-could-be consequences or otherwise distorting things.

[mysticjuicer.livejournal.com]

That's true. I guess my "?" was more at the idea that someone else can do the work for you. At the end of the day it's still you who's going to have to figure out if their analysis is actually right or not.

[alexmegami]

They can't, but they can certainly cut through a lot of red tape, I guess would be my analogy.

[alexmegami]

Ha, of course, immediately following is this week's horoscope, opening: According to my projections, you will not, in the coming weeks, meet a dark, secretive stranger who'll play you like a violin. Nor will you be lured to the warehouse district after midnight to pick up the "missing stuff." And I highly doubt that you will be invited to join a cult that's conspiring to seize political power following the events of December 21, 2012.

[greybeta.livejournal.com]

Does that mean you want someone to love you when you don't have your mask on?

[trenog.livejournal.com]

From what it sounds like it seems to go deeper than that.

For me, I would attribute black gunk to the inner darkness of the heart and mind. A person at face value can display whatever part of themselves they want but will generally only pick a personality that's either advantageous or one that's easy enough to maintain (not on account of lazyness, but because it just sort of bubbles up frequently enough and be held together with some ease even under duress).

However, what's at face value does not have to reveal anything of how a person feels in these times under duress or under other special circumstances. Sadness, hate, insecurity, sadism, masochism, lust; all these kinds of emotions can be moving around inside and if there is no outlet, or no way to express or share in these feelings then it just ends up causing further problems as you try and hold yourself in order to maintain your face value, your status quo.

But there is a problem with only trying to find an outlet for these things. It is very easy to find others who express themselves outwardly using these emotions. The person who cares only about physical gratification, who tares into their partner or their slave because they want their fix or their power, or you've got the slave themselves that waits eagerly to feel themselves become torn, to have their cork popped and the ocean well out. Because in the end, they won't really be there after they have taken or received what they wanted, their physical gratification. They are too focused on the game that they do not see outside themselves and the pain that the other person is still in, like themselves.

This is why you need someone special. Someone who feels these things, knows these things, but is of enough worth that they can, at the end of the emotional explosion, hold the other person close and say they'll never leave. Say that there is a tomorrow, and slyly remark or gently kiss into words, that they will help make it better, whether that is to slowly reduce the amount of inner darkness, or to be there to keep it company and exercise with it. This connection is a missing love for some people, a never realized hope. But, it is important to know that there are these kinds of people and that you can sometimes find them in places you wouldn't expect. People can be very versatile and understanding at times and so even if you can't find the perfect one, sometimes you can make something more out of what you have, if the other is willing.

I think I can take a break from my essay of understanding now :) I feel a bit drained myself :)

[alexmegami]

Sort of and yet not quite?

It's not that I need someone of worth/loveability. I have those. It's that no one that fits that is ??prepared??/??willing?? to go to the depth required; and to find someone that is, and then get them to the point that they could manage it, would be exhausting.

[trenog.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you want to have someone willing to delve deep into your person and is already capable of some deep diving requiring little instruction (each person being unique, etc.). That to have less of either would be tiring to you because that's not why you came to them in the first place. Although that's probably me just re-stating what you just said.

[alexmegami]

I don't know so much about a mask as a filter. Argh, now I have to articulate the difference!

Mask I guess implies to me that the things being hidden are superficial and might in certain circumstances be considered OK. Masking is what I do with my grandmother when I don't talk about religion or politics, or with my parents regarding my sex life. They're things that I don't put out there selectively because it's easier to not deal with the fallout/arguments.

Filtering is what I do with the seriously unacceptable thoughts/feelings/whatever, things that even though I think/feel them, if I look at them too hard they make me uncomfortable. And wanting to expose that to the air so it doesn't fester, I guess.

[trenog.livejournal.com]

So I'm not sure if you're responding at all to what I said but I think I'll comment on your comments anyhow.

I can understand the masking, this is something I do a lot of really and how at times when I'm at odds with myself I'm of the appearance to be a collected individual. We provide a persona that others can rely on, relate to or gloss over and that reduces conflict. Soft and half truths, lies, all in order to reduce conflict or bring happiness.

Filtering is another thing I can relate to. Being in such a mood or having thoughts that cause you to feel fear, revulsion, or sadness once the moment is breached because either you don't know how to be accepted, don't want to be feeling this way, or believe that this state you were in is actually something that you hold as a truth about yourself.

Exposing these things to the air can be a much wanted desire in order to invoke self therapy and resolution so that those creeping, crawling, heated, or tar-like feelings can evaporate either because their call means less now that they've been explored, or because you have decided to throw away some resistance against them.

[alexmegami]

I think the feelings we're describing are fairly different, though. Yours sound more depressed/sad/self-loathing?, whereas I think mine are more outwardly directed.

[trenog.livejournal.com]

It seems like our differences could make for good comparative discussion should that ever be something for us to talk about.

Maybe its better that I can't figure things out with regards to this conversation. I'm not sure how I would react if I figured out I was right about something since I seem to be off the mark a lot of the time ;)

[mysticjuicer.livejournal.com]

Can you organize your first paragraph with some numbers, so I can be certain what's answering what? I'd love to talk about what you said, but I can't really be sure what you're saying right now...

[alexmegami]

1 is everything to Thinky Thoughts. 2 is the next three sentences. 3 is "see answer to question one". 4 is love tickets and 5 is "I'm not even sure what [my oldest wounds] are".

[mysticjuicer.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :>)

When you say you don't think love works, are you saying it doesn't make relationships any easier (ie. it doesn't do any of the work in the relationship, that's what people do), or something else?

I don't think I understand what you mean when you talk about losing love tickets, or wanting them back and not getting them.

[alexmegami]

Mmmmmmmmostly that. I guess also I don't think that love works in a... permanent everlasting kind of way, either. People just happen to be lucky enough to run out of time before the love timer does. ;P

That one is... I think in general I feel like I'm not getting out of the world what I'm putting into it. Not all the time and not in all situations, but overall I'm feeling like I'm depleting my reserves and spending excessive love energies [not necessarily romantic ones] in places where I'm not getting reciprocal return. And of course I am sure I am doing this to others in turn, because that's just how it goes, but... overall, very draining.

[mysticjuicer.livejournal.com]

Okay, gotcha.