Vampires, Creating a Story, and Me
Jun. 19th, 2006 11:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alexmegamiThis is more of a call for advice than another story about Az, although to fully explain the situation there is a (potential) Az story behind the cut, as well as an (old) story that has already happened.
The issue at hand: Patrick is giving the Requiem players all of next game to effectively tell him what happens to the city. We are being given short writeups on the main NPCs and their motivations, but as long as what we say makes sense, it goes.
The emotional setup on Az's part:
Az has always seen D'or as something of a surrogate father/sire (a sentiment which is somewhat mirrored by D'or, at least in the mentor/sire sense). She has pretty much been very intensely dedicated to helping D'or since GRID happened, because you do not go waltzing into Montreal and all the hell that caused for just anyone. She braved Toronto to find him (which could have easily become a death sentence, since D'or wasn't around to cut deals like he was when David was caught), and subsequently braved the sun with him.
Problem: D'or is now officially an elder, with all the dietary requirements that come with that [i.e., he can only feed off of vampires]. This started when they were away in Ottawa. D'or fed off of Az while they were there... and then wiped her memory of it. Partially, this was to protect them - knowledge that D'or could only feed off of vampires would have given others a hefty weakness to exploit - but it was also partially because D'or was uncomfortable with the whole thing. So Az got to remember being fed off of as a sexy dream about D'or [which was deeply disturbing, given the 'father' status she gave him].
Second problem: D'or is a very self-reliant, taciturn sort of guy, whereas Az is a very social person that prefers group work to going it alone. She'd rather be a team than a solo unit. D'or hates having to help people and wishes that they would work on their own and leave him be. This becomes important later.
Continued problem: he continued to feed off of her when they returned to KW... and kept removing her memories of it. Unfortunately, he's not a very strong Dominator, so eventually, the original Ottawa Dominate wore off, leading to a blow-out confrontation.
This led to the first problem: Az was EXTREMELY pissed off at D'or (not because she minded the feeding - she agreed to the feeding each time - but because he was TAKING AWAY HER MEMORIES OF IT FOR NO REASON), so she basically flipped the bird to D'or and ran off to Pierre, who was "at least honest about what he was doing". Problem was, Pierre was getting into the drug trade, and had Gluttony as a vice, and basically he, Az, and Charloette dragged each other down into a spiral of blood, drugs, and sundry other vices that left all of them pretty fucked up until Pierre went crazy and died. D'or and Cindy dragged Az out of that pretty much kicking and screaming [and frenzying], but managed to slowly wean her off of her blood addiction and drug addiction [and then Pierre died]. D'or returns to feeding off of Az (at Az's request), and it has a decidedly sexual/viscerally pleasurable component that she's extremely embarrassed about and doesn't want to mention.
Now, the latest bit of play was basically: Az and D'or return from Toronto, having been a party to a miracle that pretty much definitively proves [as far as Az is concerned] that God exists, a miracle that restored their Humanity literally and figuratively... and then they go out and pretty much have themselves a good ol' witch burning [which Az did not participate in but was a witness to].
D'or seems not to care. Az? Loses the Humanity that she had just regained the game before and pretty much spirals into a depressive state of self-analysis that comes up with nothing good. Furthermore, she's becoming increasingly aware that D'or is aware of the sexualized feelings she has about him feeding off of her, but neither of them are talking about it because they find it embarrassing [part of which Az hates, because she's never been one to shy from sexuality, but part of her is also scanning it as 'but but but dad', so overall she's feeling very awkward and self-conscious]. She's saddened and disturbed that after being confronted with God - who, in her mind, very explicitly condemns violence - they'd (and especially D'or) would be OK with killing someone, even if it was the crazy sewer witch that had tried to kill them multiple times. Even Connor [effectively their priest, and D'or's broodmate] doesn't seem to think it's that bad.
So what does Az do? Well, first she goes back out to the rock, where she has another insane religious experience and winds up looking like a sea witch for a while. This helps a little, but not really, because she still has no answers, so she returns (with manna-fish, but that's an unrelated story).
D'or tries to engage her a little, but it's not really working for various reasons - he can't give her an answer she likes re: Blackmoor, there are issues they won't touch, she's feeling cut off from her coterie and her human family, and overall she has an overarching feeling of dissatisfaction that she can't explain. D'or suggests that maybe she should move out, be out from under his thumb, and she does, but it doesn't really help - she's still moving listlessly from thing to thing. (Item that is of minor importance later: she builds/buys/has D'or build a sensory deprivation tank that she sleeps in, not that it matters since she's a vampire...] She suggests that D'or should keep feeding off of Charloette, as he did when she was on the rock [for various reasons, including the unspoken 'you'll feel less uncomfortable around me'], but she misses it, although she doesn't admit it.
This is where the potential next story comes in. As their common priest, Connor knows that Az is dealing with some attraction that she is uncomfortable with, but she won't tell him what. D'or's confessions about being uncomfortable with Az's feelings provide him with a pretty good guess. [It should be mentioned, I think, that Connor and Az have a physical relationship that does not involve blood swapping/feeding.]
Potentially, I have the power to say that he will drop that bomb during an argument about the Testament of Longinus with D'or and Az [something to the effect of, "Don't use your fear of Az's love to get righteous with me" or similar] and then leave them to it. (No one ever said Connor was a good priest.) This would result, as best as Pat and I can figure, in the following conversation:
Az: [trying to brush it off] Fear, eh?
D'or: Az.
Az: [tensing up because he sounds angry/annoyed/flat] What?
D'or: Are you in love with me?
Az: ...why? [trying to feel out why he's bringing this up]
D'or: Do you need me to love you?
The tone of this, combined with the words used and D'or's personality, basically means Az interprets this as an attack on her/her self-reliance [basically, a condescending "are you so needy that you'll fall apart if I don't?"]. And that really hurts. So she snaps out 'no', picks up and goes home, where she beats Caitlyn since she can't frenzy on D'or, and then goes into her sensory deprivation tank to think.
Bad idea. Pat rules that sensory deprivation basically lets the Beast run rampant with its fantasies, since the vampire in question has no distractions at hand. Az gets caught up in some very disturbing revenge-thoughts before the sun rises.
Next evening, Az leaves her sensory deprivation (wholly weirded out by the experience but still pissed at D'or). D'or comes by to "explain" to her that vampires don't feel love, but that he trusts and respects her. She says that if vampires can't feel love then they can't feel honor or trust, either, and pretty much shuts the door in his face.
And then begins... I don't know. In some ways, it's Az punishing D'or by proxy; in others, it's an attempt to convince herself that vampires really don't feel any positive emotion - but one way or another, she starts using the Testament of Longinus as an excuse to emotionally rip apart people that go to Vivi's. Find their biggest fears and self-loathings out and spit them back in their face sort of thing. D'or gets REALLY pissed at her for this, but she justifies it away with the Testament (a move that she pulls with Connor, too, except Connor accepts her reasoning).
And then D'or basically puts Az's dad at her feet and goes, "Okay, little Miss I'm-a-Monster, let's see you go."
Predictably, Az flips the fuck out, but it's D'or and he's huge and there's not a whole lot she can do to him. And he basically holds her down until she either agrees to do it or he does it himself, so she does it herself, and it pretty much breaks her.
That is where the important part of the story ends. There's a little extra, but it's basically D'or explaining that he knows why she did what she did, and why he did what he did in response (basically preventing her from doing something she'd REALLY regret).
My problem: I feel like, in many ways, Az comes across in this scenario as being whiny and petulant rather than deeply wounded by someone she cares very strongly about. Also, they don't resolve the root of the problem, which would leave Az as being still listless and empty-feeling. Furthermore, it feels like a retread of the first story, except Az is the one pulling herself down this time.
Thoughts? (I know, it's hugely long. Sorry.)
The issue at hand: Patrick is giving the Requiem players all of next game to effectively tell him what happens to the city. We are being given short writeups on the main NPCs and their motivations, but as long as what we say makes sense, it goes.
The emotional setup on Az's part:
Az has always seen D'or as something of a surrogate father/sire (a sentiment which is somewhat mirrored by D'or, at least in the mentor/sire sense). She has pretty much been very intensely dedicated to helping D'or since GRID happened, because you do not go waltzing into Montreal and all the hell that caused for just anyone. She braved Toronto to find him (which could have easily become a death sentence, since D'or wasn't around to cut deals like he was when David was caught), and subsequently braved the sun with him.
Problem: D'or is now officially an elder, with all the dietary requirements that come with that [i.e., he can only feed off of vampires]. This started when they were away in Ottawa. D'or fed off of Az while they were there... and then wiped her memory of it. Partially, this was to protect them - knowledge that D'or could only feed off of vampires would have given others a hefty weakness to exploit - but it was also partially because D'or was uncomfortable with the whole thing. So Az got to remember being fed off of as a sexy dream about D'or [which was deeply disturbing, given the 'father' status she gave him].
Second problem: D'or is a very self-reliant, taciturn sort of guy, whereas Az is a very social person that prefers group work to going it alone. She'd rather be a team than a solo unit. D'or hates having to help people and wishes that they would work on their own and leave him be. This becomes important later.
Continued problem: he continued to feed off of her when they returned to KW... and kept removing her memories of it. Unfortunately, he's not a very strong Dominator, so eventually, the original Ottawa Dominate wore off, leading to a blow-out confrontation.
This led to the first problem: Az was EXTREMELY pissed off at D'or (not because she minded the feeding - she agreed to the feeding each time - but because he was TAKING AWAY HER MEMORIES OF IT FOR NO REASON), so she basically flipped the bird to D'or and ran off to Pierre, who was "at least honest about what he was doing". Problem was, Pierre was getting into the drug trade, and had Gluttony as a vice, and basically he, Az, and Charloette dragged each other down into a spiral of blood, drugs, and sundry other vices that left all of them pretty fucked up until Pierre went crazy and died. D'or and Cindy dragged Az out of that pretty much kicking and screaming [and frenzying], but managed to slowly wean her off of her blood addiction and drug addiction [and then Pierre died]. D'or returns to feeding off of Az (at Az's request), and it has a decidedly sexual/viscerally pleasurable component that she's extremely embarrassed about and doesn't want to mention.
Now, the latest bit of play was basically: Az and D'or return from Toronto, having been a party to a miracle that pretty much definitively proves [as far as Az is concerned] that God exists, a miracle that restored their Humanity literally and figuratively... and then they go out and pretty much have themselves a good ol' witch burning [which Az did not participate in but was a witness to].
D'or seems not to care. Az? Loses the Humanity that she had just regained the game before and pretty much spirals into a depressive state of self-analysis that comes up with nothing good. Furthermore, she's becoming increasingly aware that D'or is aware of the sexualized feelings she has about him feeding off of her, but neither of them are talking about it because they find it embarrassing [part of which Az hates, because she's never been one to shy from sexuality, but part of her is also scanning it as 'but but but dad', so overall she's feeling very awkward and self-conscious]. She's saddened and disturbed that after being confronted with God - who, in her mind, very explicitly condemns violence - they'd (and especially D'or) would be OK with killing someone, even if it was the crazy sewer witch that had tried to kill them multiple times. Even Connor [effectively their priest, and D'or's broodmate] doesn't seem to think it's that bad.
So what does Az do? Well, first she goes back out to the rock, where she has another insane religious experience and winds up looking like a sea witch for a while. This helps a little, but not really, because she still has no answers, so she returns (with manna-fish, but that's an unrelated story).
D'or tries to engage her a little, but it's not really working for various reasons - he can't give her an answer she likes re: Blackmoor, there are issues they won't touch, she's feeling cut off from her coterie and her human family, and overall she has an overarching feeling of dissatisfaction that she can't explain. D'or suggests that maybe she should move out, be out from under his thumb, and she does, but it doesn't really help - she's still moving listlessly from thing to thing. (Item that is of minor importance later: she builds/buys/has D'or build a sensory deprivation tank that she sleeps in, not that it matters since she's a vampire...] She suggests that D'or should keep feeding off of Charloette, as he did when she was on the rock [for various reasons, including the unspoken 'you'll feel less uncomfortable around me'], but she misses it, although she doesn't admit it.
This is where the potential next story comes in. As their common priest, Connor knows that Az is dealing with some attraction that she is uncomfortable with, but she won't tell him what. D'or's confessions about being uncomfortable with Az's feelings provide him with a pretty good guess. [It should be mentioned, I think, that Connor and Az have a physical relationship that does not involve blood swapping/feeding.]
Potentially, I have the power to say that he will drop that bomb during an argument about the Testament of Longinus with D'or and Az [something to the effect of, "Don't use your fear of Az's love to get righteous with me" or similar] and then leave them to it. (No one ever said Connor was a good priest.) This would result, as best as Pat and I can figure, in the following conversation:
Az: [trying to brush it off] Fear, eh?
D'or: Az.
Az: [tensing up because he sounds angry/annoyed/flat] What?
D'or: Are you in love with me?
Az: ...why? [trying to feel out why he's bringing this up]
D'or: Do you need me to love you?
The tone of this, combined with the words used and D'or's personality, basically means Az interprets this as an attack on her/her self-reliance [basically, a condescending "are you so needy that you'll fall apart if I don't?"]. And that really hurts. So she snaps out 'no', picks up and goes home, where she beats Caitlyn since she can't frenzy on D'or, and then goes into her sensory deprivation tank to think.
Bad idea. Pat rules that sensory deprivation basically lets the Beast run rampant with its fantasies, since the vampire in question has no distractions at hand. Az gets caught up in some very disturbing revenge-thoughts before the sun rises.
Next evening, Az leaves her sensory deprivation (wholly weirded out by the experience but still pissed at D'or). D'or comes by to "explain" to her that vampires don't feel love, but that he trusts and respects her. She says that if vampires can't feel love then they can't feel honor or trust, either, and pretty much shuts the door in his face.
And then begins... I don't know. In some ways, it's Az punishing D'or by proxy; in others, it's an attempt to convince herself that vampires really don't feel any positive emotion - but one way or another, she starts using the Testament of Longinus as an excuse to emotionally rip apart people that go to Vivi's. Find their biggest fears and self-loathings out and spit them back in their face sort of thing. D'or gets REALLY pissed at her for this, but she justifies it away with the Testament (a move that she pulls with Connor, too, except Connor accepts her reasoning).
And then D'or basically puts Az's dad at her feet and goes, "Okay, little Miss I'm-a-Monster, let's see you go."
Predictably, Az flips the fuck out, but it's D'or and he's huge and there's not a whole lot she can do to him. And he basically holds her down until she either agrees to do it or he does it himself, so she does it herself, and it pretty much breaks her.
That is where the important part of the story ends. There's a little extra, but it's basically D'or explaining that he knows why she did what she did, and why he did what he did in response (basically preventing her from doing something she'd REALLY regret).
My problem: I feel like, in many ways, Az comes across in this scenario as being whiny and petulant rather than deeply wounded by someone she cares very strongly about. Also, they don't resolve the root of the problem, which would leave Az as being still listless and empty-feeling. Furthermore, it feels like a retread of the first story, except Az is the one pulling herself down this time.
Thoughts? (I know, it's hugely long. Sorry.)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 07:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 10:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: