It was this image that he remembered that winter, when he was asked to ID her body:
That's a really excellently phrased line, and whatsoever else you change about the story, don't, I beg you, change that.
What happened on Dec. 8th? I don't get it.
What was so important about Melody that Easton wanted to make the trip? Is California a symbol for the life of comfort/safety he wants Melody to lead? Okay, the second questions not.. important, because I'm satisfied with my own answer to it. But the first...
I don't mind the sexxorz, but this:
**He mussed her hair, starting the car again and rolling the windows down. “I think I’m going to write a song about you,” she said over the whistling from outside. “Really,” he said. “Promise you’ll come listen?” “Of course.”**
I do. It's the one awkward exchange of dialogue that Melody and Easton have, in my opinion. That said, I don't really know how to fix it, because I don't know exactly what makes it awkward. Why does she want to write a song about him?
The incidental revelations about Melody and Easton do a lot to maintain interest throughout, but I really want.. a lesson, or.. something larger when the piece is over. Some commentary, some accusation other than, street people often die in awful ways. Otherwise, it's a story about two sort of neat people on a trip to nowhere. Give it some poetic concluding sentence about how Easton is changed, or the world is changed by Melody's death (which is the same thing) or else Easton has only changed in that he's picked up a guitar.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2005-03-01 02:18 am (UTC)**He mussed her hair, starting the car again and rolling the windows down.
“I think I’m going to write a song about you,” she said over the whistling from outside.
“Really,” he said.
“Promise you’ll come listen?”
“Of course.”**