I Am A Big Wimp

[alexmegami]

I cannot tell people that I do not like them.

Or at least, it is a rare occasion. I can tell someone that I am pissed off with them, or that I am not amused, but I cannot tell someone flat-out that I do not like them.

I've been wondering why this is. After all, my life could be infinitely more interesting if I cut out the extraneous bits that just make it look ugly. Like a lint removal for my existence.

I think I've narrowed it down to three reasons, all extending from the title of this post (i.e. "I Am A Big Wimp"):

1) Tears. I cannot stand to see ANYONE cry. Usually, this mostly applies to myself, but ye gods, do waterworks make me edgy. Not only is it the biggest guilt trip, which I simultaneously fall for and want to smack the person around for, but it makes the person doing it look terrible. (Okay, shallow moment there, admittedly.) Crying does not make me pity you. It makes me want to retch, and give in so that you stop crying and let your red nose recede to normal proportions.

So, to spare myself guilt, I avoid telling anyone that might cry that I do not enjoy their company.

2) Anger. I also react badly to anger. The best defense is a good offense, but the defense that will let you live another day when you are my size is to turn tail and run. And it doesn't even have to be physically expressed anger. It can be verbal as well. A "well fuck you, too," said in the right tone of voice would probably have me grovelling for forgiveness.

So, to spare myself from losing face, I don't incite anyone's anger by saying, "hey, guess what, don't like you, NOW FUCK OFF".

3) is on top of 1 and 2: as we all know, after having read Alex's LJ for at least a few posts (we'll assume you've been around for at least twenty) that she has a certain... outlook on how people must view her. For example, "outright worship" is preferable, but she can settle for "socially liked, if not a close friend". Anything less than "liked" is going to send her into twitchy fits, because God forbid someone doesn't like her. Yes, this even applies to people she hates herself.

Why is this? Well, I really don't know. Why should I give a damn what someone I don't ever want to speak to again doesn't like me?

Maybe it's the social awkwardness thing. Got to keep a social group running, after all. Can't have huge upsets. Maybe it's low self-esteem. Maybe I want to say I was their friend when they're famous. Maybe I think everyone is secretly one drink away from hunting me down and shooting me with a rifle from the locker downstairs.

Comments

[scapegoat-5.livejournal.com]

I certainly hope that this post has nothing to do with mine because the only actual reference to you was the fact that you were bowling with us (which I didn't mention everybody) ^_^ I dunno, I tend to be paranoid and when I read this, you telling me about seperate locks, and the contents of my own post, I get worried so I though that I would clarify in case there is a communication problem here =)

and about telling people if you don't like them, different people are used to different levels of social change. I imagine you could probably make a vague guess at where any given person is in that extent. If you don't enjoy my presence though, feel free to say so, as I doubt I'll go through any kind of bitchy or whiny phase or anything like that. I really do enjoy hanging out with you but if you don't like it, I'm effectively just causing more harm than good right? ^_^

[alexmegami]

*l* Everyone is going to be paranoid it is them. Trust me Min, it isn't you.

I mean, really... I do have seperate locks, but if I didn't want the people I dislike to know, I would have locked it from them... yes? Or, the other possibility: it's not anyone on my LJ friends list.

Or, possibly, this post could incite a rather open dialogue... sort of a clearing of the air. Who knows? We'll see.

((And, if it was only one person on my LJ list, it would be a 2% chance it was you specifically. Not great odds. ;))

[ebonfyre.livejournal.com]

Well, I can't say much about reasons 1 or 2. They seem to be well thought out, although I will say that such reactions would depend on the person on the receiving end of the "Don't like ya, go away now."
Some people will understand and accept. All personality types do not mesh all the time, and you will run yourself ragged trying to keep everyone happy. Yarr...

Okay, onto 3... And takes notes on this one... PEOPLE LIKE YOU, DAMNIT!! You are (from what I have seen) interesting to be around.
The only peoples I can think of that wouldn't like are the ones who are so boring that interesting craziness drives them nuts.
Bah sticks in mud. Anything outside of thier own setting of normal upsets them. Well screw them, and be yourself damnit. To top it all off, you're pretty damned attractive. I've personally seen more then a few people checking you out while you weren't looking in that direction. So you have no reason to have low self-esteem.

The social group will keep going or not depending on who's all in it, and it's not like the group isn't in constant flux anyway, with people moving away, new people joining... I'm sure it can handle a few upsets or socially awkward scenes. And if anyone did try to hunt you down, they'd probably have to go through a number of people willing to protect you. ( See above section on why people like you, for more details. :P )

Yarr... and that be my rambling slighty degressing rant... *rants more, pounces, then wanders off*

[alexmegami]

*laughs* Thanks, Cam. *is pounced*

But, less that people in general don't like be, and more that the people I would tell would not like me, and, even though I don't normally *care* about their opinion, not being liked by them would bother me in an insanely hypocritical way.

Pah. I know I'm attractive ;)

Anyway, thankie again *huggles*

[alexmegami]

Is this what you mean by a chelsea cut?

Because... ew.

[ebonfyre.livejournal.com]

Me?? A very sensitive emotional person, a beautiful flower that wilts at the slightest breeze??

I'm not sure how to respond to this... nicely worded though...
*confuzzled now*

[ebonfyre.livejournal.com]

Exactly how I feel. =)