LJ Idol Week 8: A Traveling Travesty

[alexmegami]

Occasionally, photographs of me in a dress will show up. They wend their way across the internet. They represent fancy dinners, weddings, graduations.

I look like a fake in all of them. That's not you, my brain says. I don't fill out the top of the dress, ever, and my makeup looks like it was put on with a trowel even when it's the lightest touch.

Heels leave me off-kilter, skirts make me uncomfortable. There's a grace that some people possess when they wear them, an elegant glide to their step, a swing in their hip that exudes confidence and beauty and charisma. I don't have that.

I have arms that are too long, ending in talon-like fingers; I have a fast, tripping step to avoid walking for too long, in case I embarrass myself by falling over. I fidget with my hem, afraid it will pull a Munroe on me.

"You look so good in dresses," my sister tells me. "I wish I had your body" -- by which she means long legs and small hips, because her hips and short legs are the bane of her existence, despite the fact that she is a model, she looks beautiful in everything that she does.

...

Occasionally, photographs of me in a suit will show up. They also spin around the web, photographs of certain parties, Hallowe'en costumes and the like.

At least in these, I have pants. I'm no longer worried about flashing people accidentally.

But the shoulders fit too wide on my narrow body, the sizes are all wrong; either too big, hanging off me like my father's suit, or too tiny, built for the frame of someone I was in high school, back when I didn't care about my appearance and so it came naturally to me.

My hair is too long, even though it barely brushes the nape of my neck. My face has a softness that betrays me, the little weight I've put on in school adding hips and breasts that I don't want to have, that change the entire dynamic of my body, that make me a parody of what I want to be.

"You look so good in suits," an old boyfriend once told me. "You've got the androgynous figure for it." He says this because no matter how many skirts he puts on, his five o'clock shadow will never go away, the bane of his existence, even though he gets more attention than I ever could, hiding in the shadows at the clubs.

...

Naked and looking in the mirror is a trip, because the person I see in the mirror isn't the one in my head. In my head, I am - or I was, until I started looking in the mirror more - a perfect ten. In the mirror, the mole on my nose is prominent, the warping of my eyes from my glasses is unmistakable, the double chin that exists for no reason is omnipresent.

My breasts and hips are too large to hide now. I have curves I don't know how to conceal, and that I don't know how to use. I cross-dress no matter what I'm wearing.

It's time to walk away from the mirror, but I don't know how, because I can't escape this fallen image of myself.

Comments

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. Hopefully you can become more content with your body. Interesting perspective for sure.

[alexmegami]

I will admit that most of the time I don't feel like this, but it's become more frequent since high school (although it was more intense then, like I literally did not recognize the person in the mirror sometimes).

[shadowwolf13]

It's so hard to get the mental image to line up with the mirror image.

[alexmegami]

Yeah. Most of the time it's fine, but some days it brings me to a screeching halt.

[irishrosedkm.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is a very powerful and moving piece. I really enjoy how this LJ idol thing introduces me to other people's realities. Lovely job.

[alexmegami]

Thank you. :)

[pixiebelle.livejournal.com]

Interesting perspective into your body image. I think you may mean Monroe instead of Munroe though? As in Marilyn Monroe?

[alexmegami]

D'oh. Yes, yes I did.

[jacq22.livejournal.com]

Being uncomfortable in your body is a sad thing. I don't like mine, but when it was almost perfect, (not really perfect just smaller, and more the shape I liked) I didn't realise, just sort of accepted it. Some time you may be happier with your body. If not, I suggest you get some really great suits, crisp well fitting shirts and enjoy it! Dress in what makes you feel good.Interesting piece.

[alexmegami]

I'm usually okay with my body when I'm in my normal "uniform" of jeans and a t-shirt. It's mostly when it comes time to dress up that I start getting wiggy about it. But it has been getting more frequent lately, so. :/

[cacophonesque.livejournal.com]

It's hard being comfortable in one's body. I'm often not comfortable in mine... or I will be until I see a photo and wonder why the mirror didn't reveal all of those flaws.

[alexmegami]

*nod* It sucks.

[michikatinski.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I wonder now what you look like, and whether what you see and what I would see would be the same. I imagine not. Maybe you should give your readers a chance to tell you about your beauty. :)

[alexmegami]

Hehe. Unfortunately, other than the LJIers, pretty well no one reads my LJ any more! But maybe I will. :)

[zen-jedi.livejournal.com]

On the suit thing, I assert that suit jacket makers at least are being lazy with their size options. I need a suit jacket and went looking for a new one. The first one I tried was the smallest "mens" which was good arm length but left tons of space around my chest. So it went to the "boys" section and found one that fit well across my shoulders and chest but the sleeves were comically short.

The though that Joyee had was to try a specifically asian-guy suit store since they might have more appropriate shapes.

[alexmegami]

I hope that works out! What do you need the suit for?

(You might also need to try a tailor...)

[dblicher.livejournal.com]

Fascinating take on the idea of "traveling." I admire your creativity. And I know what you mean about how the person in the mirror isn't the one in your head.

[alexmegami]

Thank you. :)

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*offers hugs and hot tea*

Sometimes what we see in the mirror hides the beauty away from us; it's there, but we can't see it for looking.

[alexmegami]

Thanks. :) Most days I'm not this dark, but it's what the topic brought up for me for whatever reason.

[safti]

Oh, my dear. *hugs you* We shall have to talk about this more.

[alexmegami]

*hugs* Yes ma'am. It's not usually this bad, though, so don't fret about me too much, OK? <3

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

This was very touching. I hope you find comfort in your body someday. *squeezes*

[alexmegami]

Thanks. :) I appreciate it. *hug*

[basric.livejournal.com]

I have no words for you. I'm out of my element. All I have to offer are ::HUGS::

[alexmegami]

Thank you *hug*

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing that part of you. It made for fascinating reading and identifies that we don't always see ourselves as other do. Good Job.

[alexmegami]

Thank you. :)

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Fascinating to get this look inside your head - keep shopping, eventually there will be an outfit you feel like a 10 on the outside in!

[alexmegami]

Heh, I hope so. (Sometimes I DO feel like a 10... it's usually the photos afterwards that leave me saying, 'what was I thinking?')

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

Good clothes can make all the difference as to how we feel and how good we look has so much to do with how we feel inside. I must admit I would have loved to see some photos with this - the discrepancy between how we see ourselves and how other people see us is often vast.

[alexmegami]

I kind of figure that if I included photos people would ask me what the hell I was smoking if I felt unattractive. Heh. (I have a let's say very stereotypically desirable body for a woman, give or take some in the chest area, but it's not the body I want, yanno?)

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

This is quite an interesting glimpse, and a very bravely written post. Nice job.

[alexmegami]

Thank you. :)

[blythe025.livejournal.com]

I've sat and stared at my face, horrified at what I saw. It can be rough, but usually I just take a deep breath and try to let the thoughts slip out of my mind, focusing instead on the positive mental image. It doesn't always work, but most of the time it does.

[alexmegami]

*nod* Photographs are usually harder than the mirror, I find.

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're so unhappy with your body :(

[alexmegami]

Thanks. Most of the time it's not so bad as this, but.

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

wow, I can't imagine how tough it is to feel that way. I hope you find a way out, or at least to feel more comfortable again.

[alexmegami]

Thanks, I appreciate that. :) It's usually not so bad.

[poppetawoppet.livejournal.com]

while I feel fine in dresses (finally) I completely understand because I'm tall and gangly as well, and a hart fit because of my long arms but small bust/chest/size

the mirror is my own worst enemy

[alexmegami]

*nodnod*

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

This was very poignant and insightful. Very well-written.

[alexmegami]

Thank you.

[alexmegami]

Thank you :) Yeah, it's very odd. Sometimes it's so disparate that I actually stop and go "...who IS that?" to the mirror.

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

I can relate a little, though not quite in the same way. I feel androgynous in spirit and way of addressing life, but could never be mistaken for anything but a woman. Sometimes I wish it didn't really matter all that much.

[alexmegami]

*nod* Yeah, I wish that too.