Well.

Today was... interesting.

I had a really big fight with my little brother. This is unusual; usually we get along decently well. But he was fighting and kicking with my sister, and I tried to pull them apart - and his Game Boy fell out of his hands, knocking the batteries out. He'd been playing Pokémon and hadn't saved. So he got super ballistic upset. ^_^; He was literally attacking me; punching, kicking, scratching, you name it. At one point he knocked my glasses off and threatened to throw them, until I reminded him if they broke, he'd have to pay for them. Instead he settled for pulling my hair. Out. By the roots.

Eventually he stopped, but kept crying. Then he decided to attack me again, but I put up my hand to defend myself... and scratched him along the side of his face. He was screaming so much I thought I'd got his eye. But no, he's just got a welt next to his eye.

In any case. It was frightening. The only display of rage that terrible I've ever seen was the temper tantrum I had Wednesday night. But I didn't take it out on people... just my room. Well, and myself. But...

He's eight. What the fuck? He's too young for this passionate an anger. Thankfully he isn't older, so he's not strong...

But anyway.

Watched the Iron Chef 2000 Meal Special and the Iron Chef in New York special today. Mwahaha. Morimoto KICKED Bobby Flay's ASS! 76-68 or something was the score. Take that, you obnoxious American jerk! (not that I think all Americans are obnoxious but damn. This guy was obnoxious. He stood on his cutting board. As Morimoto said: "He's not a real chef. Cutting boards and knives are sacred to us.")

Anyway. That's my day.

I posted just a few minutes ago, but...

I feel like ranting. Raving. And above all, angsting. :P

Bah. There really is something messed up with me. I am a hypocrite about so many things, honestly, and I hate it. If you asked me the one thing I truly, truly hate about myself, it's my hypocrisy. In everything I do. I can rationalize my way out of so much of it, so I forgive my hypocrisy. After all, it's not my fault.

Like the way I'll help others but not myself. Don't be fooled into thinking that this makes me self-sacrificing or even kind. Oh no. Everyone else can get advice, hugs, whatever they need (as long as it's something I can provide), but I can't give myself even one shred of happiness. I lie to myself more than anyone else I know. I practically cultivate my woebegone appearance and demeanor. I think maybe that's what attracts people to me. I'm like a demented puppy. It looks like it can't fend for itself, but God help you if you try and help it. It will bite your hand off, and it does have rabies.

Another thing I dislike about myself is my sarcasm. I'm biting. I'm harsh. Even to people I like. It's like I can't say anything honestly. I go from goofy/hyper (which is usually mindless banter to be ignored) to venemous sarcasm (which no one in their right mind pays attention to.) I won't be frank about anything.

A combination of the two is, of course, this stupidity over Chantal. While I attempt to counsel Simon out of his obsession over me, I continue to fawn over Chantal. (Burn that sonnet! Agh.) But I won't tell her this. I won't say anything seriously (usually sticking to my hyper, "I love you! Marry me!" routine), and continue to harbour this depressed outlook on life. And I hate hate hate hate doing it.

But heaven forbid that I should stop being that way...

Damnit.

Okay, rant over. I'm an idiot, and I had to get it out on paper. Online, whatever. ^_-;

Maybe I will change it. And talk to her tonight. It's worth a try. *stomach ties self in knots* We'll see. I have until next Wednesday or so...