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Jun. 16th, 2004
Love Does Not Equal Acceptance
Jun. 16th, 2004 11:11 amThat's a very strange sentiment to some people, I'll bet.
Love does not equal acceptance.
There are those in the world that think that it does - the idealistic, the naive. But it doesn't, and it can't. Why not? Because if you love with blind acceptance, you are opening yourself up to a myriad of problems.
It's very easy to convince yourself that if you love someone, you must love everything about them. You must love their drinking problem, their physical abuse, their hammering on your buttons. You must love them like that - and never try to change them.
Alternatively, there's the view that if you love someone enough, they'll blossom under your love and change on their own - to exactly the person you want them to be, the person that you "see" when you cut away all of their negative aspects.
To me, this seems like a very, very easy way to open yourself up to poor relationships in which you are abused, taken for granted, ignored, or otherwise treated as substandard. If you aren't allowed to change a person - because that wouldn't really be love - then you are stuck there, knowing you love them but unable to say "hey, this is inappropriate behaviour".
That's why I draw the line between love and acceptance. You can, I think, love someone without accepting them - Christians (should, theoretically) do it all the time. ("Hate the sin, love the sinner" after all.)
You may love someone. You can care for their well-being. This applies in regards to yourself as well - you can love yourself, and take care of yourself. But you do not need to accept yourself, or other people. You can demand better out of people - and you can say that if the behaviour isn't fixed, it's a dealbreaker.
You may love the emotionally abusive guy you're with - care for his welfare, desire a good life for him - but for fuck's sake, you don't need to put up with the abuse. The same applies to the woman with a drinking problem, or the child with anger management issues.
Love is not blind acceptance. Irresponsible and poor behaviour is not allowable, and you can still love someone even while disciplining or avoiding them.
This applies to children, too - never disciplining children because it would mean you "don't love them" or are "stunting their creativity" is pure bullshit.
I have a point in here somewhere, honest. I think it's that I feel vague outrage that anyone would think that caring about someone equates to becoming their personal fucking doormat.
Love does not equal acceptance.
There are those in the world that think that it does - the idealistic, the naive. But it doesn't, and it can't. Why not? Because if you love with blind acceptance, you are opening yourself up to a myriad of problems.
It's very easy to convince yourself that if you love someone, you must love everything about them. You must love their drinking problem, their physical abuse, their hammering on your buttons. You must love them like that - and never try to change them.
Alternatively, there's the view that if you love someone enough, they'll blossom under your love and change on their own - to exactly the person you want them to be, the person that you "see" when you cut away all of their negative aspects.
To me, this seems like a very, very easy way to open yourself up to poor relationships in which you are abused, taken for granted, ignored, or otherwise treated as substandard. If you aren't allowed to change a person - because that wouldn't really be love - then you are stuck there, knowing you love them but unable to say "hey, this is inappropriate behaviour".
That's why I draw the line between love and acceptance. You can, I think, love someone without accepting them - Christians (should, theoretically) do it all the time. ("Hate the sin, love the sinner" after all.)
You may love someone. You can care for their well-being. This applies in regards to yourself as well - you can love yourself, and take care of yourself. But you do not need to accept yourself, or other people. You can demand better out of people - and you can say that if the behaviour isn't fixed, it's a dealbreaker.
You may love the emotionally abusive guy you're with - care for his welfare, desire a good life for him - but for fuck's sake, you don't need to put up with the abuse. The same applies to the woman with a drinking problem, or the child with anger management issues.
Love is not blind acceptance. Irresponsible and poor behaviour is not allowable, and you can still love someone even while disciplining or avoiding them.
This applies to children, too - never disciplining children because it would mean you "don't love them" or are "stunting their creativity" is pure bullshit.
I have a point in here somewhere, honest. I think it's that I feel vague outrage that anyone would think that caring about someone equates to becoming their personal fucking doormat.
Marriage, and who to ask
Jun. 16th, 2004 03:42 pmCFRB 1010 is talking about Alanis Morisette's engagement. Apparently her fiancé asked her parents for her hand in marriage, and this is a hugely controversial issue. (Where is the political discourse? Hello? Election in two and a half weeks?)
I dunno. Without context (did he ask her first? did he know he'd want her to ask them first? is she upset about it?), it's hard to decide my opinion on that specific case.
Overall, I think that the parents ultimately have no say in the matter, but if that's the way people want to do it, then I don't really see the problem.
(For the record, though, should I ever get a complete mental overwrite and agree to marriage: don't bother asking my parents. It's not their business who I marry, and they only get a say in 'when' if they're agreeing to pay for my wedding.)
I dunno. Without context (did he ask her first? did he know he'd want her to ask them first? is she upset about it?), it's hard to decide my opinion on that specific case.
Overall, I think that the parents ultimately have no say in the matter, but if that's the way people want to do it, then I don't really see the problem.
(For the record, though, should I ever get a complete mental overwrite and agree to marriage: don't bother asking my parents. It's not their business who I marry, and they only get a say in 'when' if they're agreeing to pay for my wedding.)
