LJ Idol Week 1: When you pray, move your feet

[alexmegami]

I was not raised as a religious person.

Unlike most of my friends, I didn't go to church as a child. My father was an ex-Catholic (as of age 14) and my mother was ostensibly Anglican, although if you'd ever asked me I would have definitely called her a New Age spiritualist (she claims now to be Buddhist). I was baptized, but other than funerals, weddings, or youth group meetings, the number of times I have been in a church can be counted on one hand, and I am 27.

I know some people who grew up hurt by their church, in a direct fashion - such as verbal and emotional abuse. I know some who were hurt indirectly - through teachings that said they were somehow lesser. I know those who were hurt because their church had no answers for the tragedies of the world - the deaths of those we thought were too young to die. I know people who love their church and I know those who left it for other spiritual paths and never looked back.

I consider myself basically an atheist, or sometimes a henotheist lacking a deity. All gods could be equally real, and are; whether they are archetypes, actual divine beings within our universe, or transcendent beings matters very little to me (although I tend to lean towards the former, hence the atheism).

I've tried many religions at varying points in my life. In fifth grade, when we got our little red Gideons, I read it nightly for about a month, following the guide in the front of the book to learn about Jesus. I prayed. When nothing happened, I decided God didn't exist or didn't want to talk to me, and that was the end of that. I still enjoyed churches the few times I went into them, but it always felt the same way, as though someone was saying "this is not the right place for you".

At various points, I have tried different flavours of paganism - Hellenismos being the one I most frequently circle back to, because I adore the Greek gods, but I poked at the Roman gods, Wicca, Kemeticism (Ancient Egyptian reconstructionism, which I also circle back to), eclectic witchcraft (both religious and not), the Norse pantheon, and the Celtic pantheon. I got varying levels of response to these attempts, ranging from "eh, this doesn't really work for me" all the way through to "everything about this feels wrongbad".

And yet, sometimes I feel like there is this ritual space inside my head and it is taking up space, waiting to be filled with... something. But what?

This is what I have been struggling with for... many months. It's strange to talk about with people. How can you need ritual without someone to dedicate it to? We have so few non-religious rituals that it's almost impossible to conceive; the ones we do have are generally markers of the passing of time (birthdays, graduations, weddings, funerals).

I started reading about orthopraxy (right acts) and orthodoxy (right belief). It was... at least a little illuminating. Maybe I don't need the belief in the god(s); I just need to find a set of acts that makes sense in the world, above and beyond the religion they are attached to. Maybe what I need is a theology that has me put away the shopping carts.

But isn't that just taking my ethical views and implementing them? Walk the walk as you talk the talk.

Maybe it is. But there's still that niggling need for ritual... But maybe as I walk my talk, the ritual will become obvious.

Comments

[kisekileia.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about the need for ritual. I have a lot of trouble finding church-type things that don't trigger me, which is especially problematic for me because the right church would probably be a good way for me to meet like-minded people in person, which is something I really need.

I wonder how you'd feel about a Unitarian church. They seem to not presume any particular belief, and I have an atheist friend who is happy going to one.

[alexmegami]

The closest ones are Mississauga and Etobicoke, further afield than I'm personally willing to go.

[alexmegami]

Farther afield. Serves me right for posting first thing after I wake up.

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

"maybe as I walk my talk, the ritual will become obvious" - I really like this last line. :D
and your link? it was funny to me because I like doing that on occasion.

[wolfden.livejournal.com]

Me too.

We always put away a shopping cart left abandoned. I never thought about it beyond "oh here is this out of place cart, let me fix that."

[alexmegami]

The person that wrote that article is incredibly awesome in many ways. I'd recommend reading her other work as well, if you liked that essay.

[shadowwolf13]

Ritual sometimes is the thing that makes you feel like a step to begin has been taken or is continuing. Sometimes maybe it's a celebration. I don't think the ritual necessarily has to be connected to a deity. It should be more about letting your intention take form. :)

Great entry.

[caile.livejournal.com]

The need for non-religious ritual hits me where I live. I enjoyed reading your take on this.

[m-malcontent.livejournal.com]

It's very cool that you are so open-minded as to sample almost everything.

[zhelana.livejournal.com]

That is a familiar struggle. Good luck finding something that works for you!

[cacophonesque.livejournal.com]

I can relate to the need for ritual so much. And, I liked that link to the shopping cart theology. Whether or not we believe in any sort of supreme being(s), I do think that we can all find ways to bring meaningful ritual into our lives... if only I could figure out some that will fit into my life!

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Love learning new words - thank you for orthopraxy!

[kittyfaelis.livejournal.com]

Thanks for teh link to the shopping carts article. As someone who organises random shelves in stores, I appreciate that ;-)

And your last line is very strong!

[basric.livejournal.com]

Well done.

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

Keep searching and you might find what you're looking for! I've struggled with this a bit myself. I dabble with the church, and while I'm not 100% a believer in what they teach.. I do like the ritual and the community!

[sweeny-todd.livejournal.com]

I like the journey you are on - there is a lot out there, and you seem willing to try a range of things on for size. I personally like the idea of ritual without religion, although it is not something I have thought of before! enlightening read.

[stharridan.livejournal.com]

Very insightful. Nicely done.

[bewize.livejournal.com]

The need for ritual is the one reason that I haven't completely abandoned my childhood faith. I think it's an ingrained part of human nature.

Nice entry.

[mscc6422.livejournal.com]

I like your writing. I wish I can say something comforting, motivating or at least smart. Yet all I can think of now is that your struggle will end once the space can be filled. Questions and emptiness would lead you to a place you belonged. Keep searching... :)

[euphonious-13.livejournal.com]

Really intriguing. Well written!

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

i think most humans need some type of ritual. It's a sort of comfort in the known.

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

I loved that last sentence! I hope you find what you are looking for.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

I like the theology of shopping carts. I'd never heard of Ma'at before.

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

The lack of ritual to perform with others is what is lacking for me currently (due to practical circumstances, not because they don't exist). I totally understand your yearn.

(also have I known you with another username before?)

[alexmegami]

This is the only LJ I've had other than for holding personal fic, so probably not. :)

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

Must be someone who went through a similar path then but I lost touch with them. Cheers!

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

This was a great piece. (I put away shopping trolleys too... although if we're comparing that to a theology, I'm one of those judgemental fundamentalist types who scowls and shoots daggers at those lazy people who can't take their trolleys the two metres from the boot of their car to the collection point).

I find the small rituals of the everyday are a comfort to me. Making tea, for example, when I get up in the morning, in the same cup, everyday.

[poppetawoppet.livejournal.com]

I think I have an obsessive need for ritual, but I don't feel the need for it in religion...

but lovely writing

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

That link was something I needed to read today. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

Ceremonial magick.

Try the Lesser Banishing of the Pentagram for a starter. If you interpret the references to God as being the Divine rather than the Judeo-Christian God, it works exceptionally well. That's coming from someone who isn't religious in the slightest and was brought up in a secular household. Ritual magick isn't a religion at all, it's a spiritual practice and the difference is vast.