Jon Stewart: the only man I would consider having the babies of

(Today's trivia: did you know Jon Stewart is a full inch shorter than me? He's hot, he's 43, he's shorter than me. I'm not sure how I feel about that. However, I will still use my spare time to ponder the possibilities of converting to Judaism.)

Key quotes from tonight:

The "General Grant" and the HORN

Bill O'Reilly: Civilian lawyers and human rights groups are allies of terror!

Bill O'Reilly: Let's tell John McCain torture WORKS!

Jon: (re: the plane crash that everyone survived) "IT WASN'T A MIRACLE!"
[clip of EMT worker talking about their excellent response time, etc.]
Jon: "FINALLY! Some kudos to human excellence in the field. Those EMTs are awesome..."
EMT worker: "And it was really a miracle..."
Jon: "NO! IT WAS THEIR SATANIC COMPETENCE!"

News Reporter: "And is it just me, or is there a baby boom of pandas in this country?"
Jon: "Perhaps it's a miracle! Or perhaps it's [ominous] SEASONAL BREEDING PATTERNS."

Jon: "You're too white to say schmutz."

Jon Stewart: "Does [Novak] absorb light?"
Miles O'Brien: "I think he glows in the dark."