alexmegami: (Punkelf)
I'm so tired.

Part of that is just everyday background noise - I'm almost always a little bit tired, even on good days, which is frustrating as fuck when I'm doing everything in my power not to be - plus my period started today and it was a crazy busy weekend, on top of all that.

But I'm TIRED, like almost fell asleep partway through a treatment tired. And of course tired comes with unmotivated, which introduces depression. I have two calls for submissions I want to write things for; I wrote the opening scene for both... a month ago, and have gotten nowhere with either of them.

And I'm kind of at a loss for what to do about it, anymore. I sleep about eight hours a night (maybe slightly closer to 7.5). I mostly go to sleep and get up at the same time. I tried eating more healthily and that became its own energy sink. Same with exercise. Keeping up with either or both of them has generally ended in a week of eating like shit because the sheer effort required to plan, shop for, and execute a meal was beyond my capabilities anymore. Exercise never seems to give me this mythical energy that it's supposed to. I just feel more tired. At best, I feel like I'm the same, but with less time. Of course, I'm not doing much of anything with that time, anyway.

I don't know. I feel like other people have somehow mastered "get up -> get ready -> eat breakfast -> work -> eat lunch -> work -> errands -> eat dinner -> do life stuff -> sleep" in a way that I just... haven't. I feel like I'm losing time at every turn and I don't know why. Can I not focus? Am I just lazy? Why am I so fucking tired all the goddamn time? How have other people mastered this, not just for themselves, but for entire goddamn families? Am I this much of a fuckup? It's depressing as fuck, that's for sure.

I just want to sleep and feel rested and motivated. That's all.

Great.

May. 24th, 2016 01:58 am
alexmegami: (Punkelf)
Two months before the end of therapy, and I'mma have two major meltdowns in one month. A+ terrific would do again.

I don't even know where to talk about shit like this any more. It's definitely not FB material. No one replies to things on Tumblr. I don't really use chat clients much. I guess texting, but anyone I would text about it I don't want to burden with my shit. LJ is basically screaming into the void and hoping someone picks up the signal.
alexmegami: (Punkelf)
So while I know most of you read my FB at this point, I'm going to put this here, also (think of it as extra, extra insurance on doing them:)

So elsewhere I wrote what my goals for this year are, and I figured, well, let's post them to FB as well.
1. Be gentler with myself overall. (I have a tendency to be a bit of a perfectionist, and not in a good way [is there a good way?]. So this one is the most important one.)
2. Write at least three sentences a day.
3. Read at least one book a month.
4. Meditate at least five minutes every morning.
5. Find something fun that feels more like 'play' than 'exercise'.

No, they aren't lofty aspirations (and I know a bunch of people are going *one book a month???* and dying a little on the inside), but... if I do better than this then that's good. If I do only this, I can be satisfied. And if I don't manage all of these, then that's okay too. Trying to make that my mindset for 2016.

2015 was an... interesting year. I did a number of things, even though it felt for much of it like I was wading through the molasses of my low energy and a fuckton of self-loathing. (See also Item #1.) Therapy has been going... well? I think? Like at least I'm able to identify the fact that I have a lot of self-loathing, haha? >.> (And also nervous laughter when I'm actually upset about something/self-conscious? ;))

I dunno. It's really hard to tell as it goes if progress is being made, but I think things are going well. So I'm going to trust that it is, in fact, doing what it says on the tin, even if at this point I think I've been going about three times as long as what it's "supposed" to run. (CBT and IPT, the two therapies my therapist is using, are both intended to be fairly short-term, and we're now at 16 months, rather than weeks.) I dunno if that's just me, or what. (I do know I have been fairly resistant to the idea of being okay with small victories.)

But, let's see how 2016 plays out. (Yosh'!)
alexmegami: (Punkelf)
So as you may know, Bob (...actually, the only person that still reads LJ that knows this is Simon, I think), I am in therapy!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

So far it's been... interesting? The therapist has suggested a combination of CBT (not the pervy kind) and IPT for me, which everyone has agreed seems like a pretty logical combo for me.

Anyway, one of the things we have been talking about lately has been my overactive perfectionist streak and the fact that it means that I basically don't do anything. (No blogging, no writing, no art, etc.) So this is my therapy-assignment blog, to actually write a thing.

Note: my therapy appointment is in an hour. (And usually is on Wednesdays instead of Thursdays.) So... I may have left this a little long.

The weird thing is that blogging itself isn't exactly hard for me. (Or, at least, I don't have the deeply visceral reaction here that I do with fiction writing.) I just sort of stopped doing it, because I didn't have anything interesting to say. (I still don't, really, other than reporting on therapy.) I can't really talk about my clients, and I don't do a whole heck of a lot outside of work.

Which is... one of the things I'm in therapy for, really ^^;;

But it seems like the combo of "puzzle out the origin of this thing" (or at least, the origin of the motivation-destroying version of this thing; I've always been one who wants to do things as best I can, but why is that now "you can't do it well at all, so don't even bother starting" as opposed to "do your best!"?) and "destroy this thing" will help? I hope?

Next up: not living up to expectations! The stress of looking for a job! Not doing things that normal people totally do without thinking about it!

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